Hello there, how is everybody?
As for me, I feel pretty damn swell. Yes, I know that’s a word that’s gone out if use. Honestly, I don’t know why. I really like that word. I’d probably rate it as my second favourite after “grand”.
So the reason why I feel so swell today, is because my exams just got over. And am I happy. My God am I happy. But I am a little, tiny bit sad as well because I know my days are going to fall into that same routine again- of waking up early and going to school and coming back home and trying to study but not quite being able to. But I’m trying not to think too much about it. Im trying to live today as it is. I’ve learnt that people always find things to worry about and I thought that today, and only today I’ll try not to worry about anything and just be happy.
But the thing is even though Im glad that my exams are over, I kind of miss them as well. I mean, Im not saying that I would want to relive them. No. Im just saying that I miss them. I think it is mainly because of the fact that during my exams, I was working towards something. I was working towards getting to the end of them. Everyday I had to put in all I had and I went to bed so tired that I had no strength to keep my eyes open for even a moment longer. I knew that I had tried. And I guess that is what I will miss the most. Knowing that I’ve tried.
How do you ever know that maybe, you have found yourself? What does finding yourself feel like? Does it come as a sudden blow or is it a part of everyday life?
I don’t know what it is, but lately I feel like I’m not my usual self and I hate that. I would not like to change myself for anything or anybody. But then I wondered maybe trying too hard to remain the same person is not how its supposed to be. Maybe you are supposed to let yourself drift off to unknown places. Be a person that you’ve never been before. Maybe thats where the secret to finding yourself actually lies.
To be honest, I find all of this a little confusing. I mean I know that this, all of this doesn’t come in a book. That there are no rules to the way you interpret life. I mean yes, there are certain rules, but after a point it really is up to you. Its your life and you have to live it the way you want to. There will be people to guide you but at the end of the day its you who is going to have to be there for you. There will be times when you feel like giving up and there will be times when you feel terribly low. And believe me, nine times out of ten you have to face all of this alone. There will be no one to comfort you. Hug you or cry with you. You have to face it on your own.
I know it is scary not knowing what the future holds. Or who you are going to end up as ten years down the line. But maybe if you believe in yourself, believe that you can handle whatever life throws at you, you will be alright.
Christmas will be here in a few day’s time. I was really quite excited for it until about today. I don’t know why but I started to feel sort of sad today, all of a sudden. It could possibly be because MasterChef Australia is getting over tomorrow. The thing is I can get really attached to things. I get over it in about a week’s time but when I get attached i really get attached. It could be anything. Literally. And when I feel lonely or bored the attachment gets even stronger. I hate that. I hate having nothing to do and then getting all sad about it. That sounds pretty damn weird. But thats exactly the way it is. Honestly.
Im also sad because nobody really seems that excited for Christmas. I mean I live in India where we practically don’t celebrate Christmas, but nevertheless I can’t help getting all excited about it. Especially with the cold weather and all.
Some people around here do put up Christmas trees and decorate their houses with lights and all but you can tell that it doesn’t matter so much to them. Not as much as it matters abroad. I mean you can tell that the children have not been waiting all year to receive that one present from Santa Claus. They just celebrate it for the hell of it. Im not sure whether half the people around here even know what Christmas really is about.
I don’t mean to put the Indians down or anything, they are awesome, but some of them I just can’t help feeling sorry for. Its so weird, I don’t even know why I feel sorry for them but I just do.
I just wish i could spend one Christmas abroad with all of my favourite people in the world and the snow and lights, just the way they show in movies. That would be so great.
But Im really quite over that now. I know I’m not going to get to go to some place which has snowfall, for Christmas unless maybe I get this awesome job and all and am transferred there. But that still has some time before it can happen. So I’m not really sad about that today. I don’t really care much for it anyway. I mean I know that it obviously wont be like the movies or anything. So it doesn’t matter much. Today Im just sad for the usual reasons. You know, like having to study or not finding a good movie to watch on tv or not having anything good to eat. Im just really quite fed up of this routine of getting up early in the morning and going to school and…oh, you know the rest. I just want my holidays to start. Though I don’t know why because I’m pretty damn sure I’m not going to do a thing in my holidays and get bored as hell, but hey at least I don’t have to wake up early. I’ll probably have to find a good book to read. I don’t read a lot. Ill probably try and change that. I really hope I can.
I do not know much about dancing. You could say that I hardly have any knowledge about it at all. But this one dance has made me think again about all the things that I believe in and all the things that I call, with so much pride, my favourites.
It is Amy and Travis’s dance on season 10 of So You Think You Can Dance. I am not entirely sure how many times I have replayed it. I just can’t help watching it over and over gain. Its just so beautiful that I really don’t know what else to say about it. Just that i would really like to know what the dancers were actually feeling during the dance. Whether they were feeling all the emotions running through them or whether they were just trying to keep up with the steps and each other. I guess I just want to know what it feels like to be able to dance like that.
I believe dance, like any other art form is a way of expressing one’s true self. And thats why I love art. I love how you don’t have to pretend to be someone else when you’re doing what you really love to do. What you’re really good at. Its like not wanting anything else. Not needing anything else and I feel like that in itself is a really big achievement. A really big achievement.
Its funny how we can love and hate a certain thing at the very same time. It doesn’t make any sense, but nevertheless it is that way.
Theres so much freedom in this world. And at times you get to experience that freedom. That wildness. And those are the most spectacular moments of your life. They are like a burst of happiness and excitement and love and passion all at the same time. They are like sparks. Sparks that make everything so much better. They make you feel so much more alive. They are moments that touch your heart.
But then these moments end and you go back to living your same, old, ordinary life. And thats the hardest part. Its so hard because you keep on replaying that moment in your head over and over again and you know no matter what happens you will never get to relive it. But you also know that thats okay because you had that moment. No wait, because YOU had that moment. It was yours and nobody, absolutely no one in this entire world can take that away from you. It was your moment and you got to live it. You got to feel all those emotions and its okay that that moment’s gone now because when the next one comes it’ll be worth the wait.
Why do we all suffer? Whats the reason behind it? Does it have something to do with deeds? Or is it just a mere game played by God?
I am not a big fan of karma. I never was. However, i do believe in doing good things. Things that make others a little happy when they are going through something tough. I believe in being kind. I think kindness is the best form of respect that you can give to anybody. Whats the point in being rude? How does it help? You think it makes you look cool to be rude to someone who is not as popular as you or who is not good at something that you are good at? Well, you see, it doesn’t. It just makes you look like this miserable coward who is far too insecure to be kind.
But i don’t believe in being kind to someone or making someone feel a little better with the idea of getting something back in return because I know I won’t. I mean even if for a second I were to believe that there this supreme power which controls all these things I can never be quite convinced. I can never be convinced that there is this power that has full control over our lives and we know nothing about it. I mean now that I’ve written it down, doesn’t it sound quite absurd?
So why do we suffer?
well I guess the simplest answer to that is we suffer because we suffer. We suffer because of our own mistakes, because of our own decisions. Theres nothing more to it.
There is no supreme power that we can blame for our own faults. No, its not that easy.
I guess we have this concept of a supreme power or a God mainly to earn us the comfort of not having to hold ourselves responsible for our actions because sometimes when something disastrous happens not many of us have the guts to stand up and and say-
“Yes it was me. It was my mistake and I can’t blame anyone else for it.”
So today is the day that I start my blog. I’m really excited about it. I just want to mention though that it took me almost half an hour to think of an username. So that was definitiely a struggle. Phew!
The thing is, I really like to write, a lot. Its a way of letting things out for me.The things that I cant talk about with everybody. It really helps me.
I should actually be stydying chemistry right now as I have a test tomorrow, but nevertheless Im writing this. Im writing this because it makes me feel good and I figure that we dont get to feel good too often in our lives and so when we have the oppurtunity, we must take it, and besides chemistry is not my favourite subject.
I dont know what else to say, or rather, write. Just that Im really looking forward to loving this place. Im really looking forward to that.